New thoughts...

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When I was younger, about 15 or 16 years old, I made friends with people who I think were cool. I talked the way they did, and pretended to be interested in the same things they were interested in, even though deep down I did not like them as much. Then when I started to have thinkings for myself, I went out with people who I didn't regard as friends. I never invited people to go out with me, even though I went out almost everytime if someone asked me. THe reason for that was: I seriously didn't really enjoy their company, not very interested in what they talked about no matter how hard I tried to feel comfortable. I never really invited people to do things with me because, compared with having to invent topics or sitting at some place I didn't like for a long time, I'd rather just go places on my own and do whatever I want.
But recently I noticed some changes in me. I found going out with 'friends'- I mean, to after treating the 'people I know' to 'friends'- is not a bad idea after all. Everyone has his or her own strength. I would know whom to find when I feel like going to a concert. I know whom to look for if I desperately want to talk about a new book. There are certain girls who can't go home later than 10 pm, and they are naturally not my companions on a club night out. I start to reach out my hands because, I observed, I have developed to be more confident about myself. I know what I want exactly so I am free to walk away when I don't feel like to stay. That makes going out with people not a serious burden on me as it was before. Because, honestly, no one can really live without friends. During the time I chose 'not to have friends' and kept everyone as 'someone I knew', I still spent a lot of time ONLINE hoping to find people who might have the same tastes as I do. But this pursuit turned out to be in vain. I mean, how successful would I be, to disregard people whom I can see and feel and touch in real life, and bet my hope finding a soulmate in a pool of "ID names"?
Anyway, I am very happy to open up and make two new friends today. (Both had been classified as 'someone I knew' for 3 years.)